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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.